I am tired this week. Physically, mentally, emotionally, all of it. Last night by 9pm I couldn’t keep my eyes open. We got ready for bed, and within an hour, my eyes were shut for the night. Although I feel like I slept well, I woke up with some very heavy eyelids still. The other morning while eating breakfast, I looked at Justin and asked, “Why is it that when the sun coming through the window woke me up at 5:30, I felt ready to go, but now, two hours later, I just want to go back to bed?” He told me it’s because I knew that work was imminent. It’s probably true.
There have been some very sick animals coming through the doors of work recently. In the past week, two of my colleagues have had to remove fluid from chests and another had to remove fluid from an abdomen. A dog came in laterally recumbent with a fever of 105 for one of those same colleagues on the same day she had her fluid-filled cat. The owner of this dog was not considering euthanasia without “knowing what was wrong.” I don’t believe they got a final answer, but the owner did end up letting his dog go. I (*knocks on all of the wood*) thankfully haven’t gotten emergency level sick cases recently, but I’ve been kind of anxious about going to work dreading my turn.
I am NOT an emergency doctor. I have ZERO interest in being an emergency doctor. I am not a good emergency doctor, nor I do believe I am capable of being a good emergency doctor. Those kinds of cases stress me out beyond belief and just thinking about and anticipating them makes my brain shut down. I want an idea of what’s walking through my doors. I want time to think and plan. My filing system in my brain is not oragnized enough for quick retrieval. I prefer generally healthy, or at least stable, patients.
Although not emergencies, I have had some sad cases this week. One terrible euthanasia that needed to happen months ago. I (and other doctors) have had numerous discussions about this animal’s quality of life for a long time now. I am relieved for her that her suffering has ended, but sad that it took so long for her owner to be ready. I have a young patient that was recently adopted from a rescue that I believe has a liver shunt. His owner told me yesterday that she has already contacted the rescue to let them know that she believes he is really sick, and that’s not what she signed up for. She now has to decide whether she wants to move forward with diagnostics and treatment for him. If she doesn’t, I imagine he will go back to the rescue, who will maybe/likely do the diagnostics. It’s hard, though, because the rescue will want to do everything for him, but they have so many dogs with so many needs. So many of those are reasonably healthy and not so resource-intensive. I’m sure that he could be a wonderful little companion, and I’m sad for him that he may be bounced around or given up on. I also understand that this isn’t what this owner thought she was getting. Not everyone is prepared for this potential level of expense right off the bat or potentially a shortened lifespan for their new pet that they initially believed to be young and healthy.
It’s been another week of demanding people, of people who just talk in circles and never get to their point, of people being late for appointments and not having their records or knowing what they need. Again, I’m just tired. I’m out of understanding, of patience, of empathy. All of the little things are frustrating me and putting me in a very unpleasant mood. When I do pause to think about it, I feel bad. I feel bad for being grumpy, for maybe not being as friendly or for rushing to get out of a room, but in those moments, I just don’t have anything left to give.
Thank goodness for upcoming time off. May it be relaxing, and may it be uneventful returning to the States. Unfortunately, I know it won’t be enough; I only hope it helps, at least in the moment.
“Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying ‘I will try again tomorrow’.” ~ Mary Anne Radmacher
