New Year’s Eve 2021… Wow. As I sit here taking that in, my drugged (in anticipation of every idiot within 5 miles of my house setting off fireworks tonight) dog curled up next to me, I am struggling to believe it. Two years ago, none of us every day people had any idea what was to come. Justin and I were picking dates for our big Ireland trip in March, and I was booking continuing education and plane tickets to Montana for June. I was excited about travel. I didn’t dread going to work every day. I could drive on the road and see some dumb things, but I didn’t see red by the time I reached even the closest destinations. I wasn’t a big fan of humanity as a whole, but I didn’t feel like I hated ~90% of people all the time. I didn’t feel like I left half of the hair on my head behind after every shower. I didn’t have the worst acne I’ve ever had in my life. I could go to a museum or concert or movie without thinking about it at all, beyond what day or time did I want to go. I made fairly regular plans to meet friends for dinner- out, at my house, at their homes. I regularly met my sisters for walks with our dogs. I did thing besides sleep, go to work, sit at home and eventually convince myself I should work out, only to wake up and repeat the same cycle seemingly endlessly.
Even though I’ve been here for the last two years, living through everything, I have no idea where that time went. The year 2020 will always be a “lost” year in my mind. After Ireland, we hardly saw anyone at all. Justin worked from home for pretty close to 3 months. He saw me, our neighbors from a distance and people in the grocery once a week during that time. Clients weren’t allowed inside except for 2 members of a household for euthanasia appointments for well over a year. The year included a crazy election season, wildfires, Black Lives Matter protests, all amid a global pandemic. Then 2021 started with a riot at the Capitol. People became completely torn over vaccines. There was Delta and now Omicron, and everyone is over it all. Rudeness and entitlement are rampant. I keep reading about inflation, shipping delays, insane housing prices and bidding wars, everyone under the sun quitting their jobs without a solid plan in place. (Although some of these things, I suppose, do affect my life, I am fortunate enough to put them at the bottom of list of concerns.) Although I did travel quite a bit, and my favorite parks were not completely overrun with crowds, I would not say that life is pre-pandemic. I have a hard time remembering that life, honestly, and I don’t expect it to ever really be the same again.
Today is Justin’s nephews’ 4th birthday. He just stated how he can’t believe it, and I agree: it just doesn’t seem right. They should be turning 2, maybe 3, by my calculation. We have to stop and think extra hard about any of our nieces’ or nephews’ ages. I’m happy if I know how old I am. And other memories? Ireland was definitely not almost two years, but at the same time, it was in a different lifetime. As anyone that follows me on social media knows already, yesterday marked four years since I lost the best friend I’ll ever have, our perfect dog, Flint. That definitely doesn’t seem right. But then that also means it’s been four years since Rickie’s kidneys stopped working, and we said, “Good-bye,” to her less than a month after Flint. It means that Magic is turning 4 in February, and I’m pretty sure she’s still just a year old.
This past week has been especially emotional for me. Partially, it’s Flint’s anniversary. May 12th, August 29th, December 30th: these dates (and those surrounding them) always get me when it comes to him. Partially, it’s just the holidays that have come and gone yet again when I feel like it was *just* Christmas 2020, a holiday that we “celebrated” by dropping off some ornaments I had ordered for my mom and siblings, taking the dogs for a walk on a new trail in some snow flurries and having an otherwise completely unremarkable day. I’m not ready for a new year yet. I didn’t have the last two, at least not fully. Honestly, what news is there currently to suggest that 2022 is going to be any different or better than 2021? Also- it’s been 50 degrees out all week. This is not Christmas and New Year’s weather in the Mid-Atlantic.
I know that I shouldn’t complain about having a new year ahead of me. Plenty of people that were here on New Year’s Eve last year aren’t coming along into 2022. I should be grateful to be alive, to have my health, that Justin has his health, that we both have jobs, that we don’t have to worry that we can’t afford gas or groceries or an unexpected bill, that we own our home outright. I should be grateful for trips this past year to Montana, Vermont, South Carolina and South Dakota. I should be grateful to have seen some long-lost friends that live far away and to have recently met a friend for lunch that I haven’t seen in three years because of life and a pandemic and then some more life. I should be grateful that I celebrated with another friend who was able to have a 10-year anniversary party back in September. I should be grateful that we were able to host some of my family for Thanksgiving last month and visit both Justin’s family and mine again for Christmas last week.
Instead, I feel overwhelmed, conflicted and a little bit sad. We watched the movie Don’t Look Up the other night. As we were starting it, Justin informed me that it might be frustrating to watch, based on reviews he had read. At the end, we agreed that yes, it was frustrating, but overall, we liked it because it really validated a lot of how we feel right now about life, especially here in the U.S. There’s so much conflict, confusion and chaos out there, and anyone that has the power to do anything about it seems to either a. not take it seriously b. make bad decisions or c. make decisions that are either just self-serving or all about the money. It’s pretty much exactly how I imagine the government runs, which is terrible, but at least I’m not crazy (not entirely, anyway).
As I sit here on this eve of a new year, I won’t be making any resolutions. I’ve never been one to make them, and in this unstable world we’re currently inhabiting, I wouldn’t know what seems reasonable to expect for myself in the next 365 days. Right now, it’s survival mode. I’ll get up and go to work when I’m scheduled to be there, taking it one day at a time. I’ll come home and convince myself to work out 3-4 days a week. I’ll keep taking my dogs to the park and working on their training, hoping that some day I appreciate real changes in their often questionable behavior. I’ll keep my mask on in stores and crowded spaces, get any additional boosters the health experts tell me I should get and try to see friends and family when and where I feel comfortable. At some point, we’ll pick some places to travel to during the year, whether air travel makes sense or we choose only locations we can reach easily by car. Right now, this is the best that I can offer. Maybe when I look back on 2022 at this time next year, my head space will be better, and I’ll actually feel good about and excited for 2023. Only time will tell.
“Your present circumstances don’t determine where you can go. They merely determine where you start.” ~ Nido Qubein
