It’s been a little while since I’ve gotten many comments on my age. Maybe it’s because we were running curbside for so long? I’m not sure. Either way, I’ve gotten a few comments during this past week that either definitely were or could potentially be about my age. It’s always weird to hear them because I don’t usually think about how old I am or how old I look to other people.
On Thursday, a woman in with her cat said to me, “You don’t look old enough to be a doctor.” I told her, “I assure you, I am.” She continued with, “But you don’t even look like you’re out of high school.” To which I said, “I most definitely am. That was a long time ago now.” Then Friday, I walked to the front desk to drop off a file from the appointment I had just finished. One of my receptionists looks at me and says, “Are you a ‘mature lady?’ Because that’s what [the client] just said about you.” I’m not sure what exactly that comment means (neither does my receptionist, nor Justin, for that matter), but I’ve seen this client many times and believe he meant it in a positive way. I could be wrong though. You never know.
Friday evening, Justin and I went out to grab dinner in a neighboring town. Afterwards, he wanted to pick up some beer before we headed back home. While he was checking out, I was standing in the open garage bay to the distributor when a car full of boys that I would’ve bet are half my age drove by. The driver felt inclined to yell out the window, “You’re not 21! You aren’t a day over 16!” I suspect I got those remarks simply because I am petite, and he was nowhere near close enough to appreciate the wrinkles on my forehead or the deep purple circles under my eyes, which in my opinion were especially prominent that day. It’d been yet another long week. I was tired and drained both emotionally and physically by the time those boys went past me on the street.
Sometime during the week, I received an email from Photobucket telling me that I needed to log in if I wanted to keep my account active. I finally found some time to do so yesterday and decided to look at what exactly I had stored on the site. Apparently, I have 72 photos from 2007. I have no idea why those specific photos are on that particular website. Some of them did get me thinking though about 2007, the differences between then and now and how my perspective shifted a bit on certain things. I also started thinking about my current age and how different my life is from my mom’s when she this age.
In one Photobucket gem, my siblings and I are lined up sitting on a split rail fence in the springtime. Not one of us is giving the camera a smile. My mom’s first degree was in art and photography. For many years, she requested that we all be available one afternoon each spring and each fall for sibling photos. This is one of her spring photos from that year. It was taken out at some property my mom owns that my family kept a horse, Tucker, on for a little while. My siblings and I mostly hated these photo sessions, probably just because we were young and would rather be doing just about anything else than posing for what felt like a never-ending series of pictures for our mom. Now, in my mid-30s, upon finding this goofy, unattractive photo from 14 years ago, I’m glad I had those times to be silly and bond with my siblings. My youngest sister said when I sent them all the photo, “That mindset we had is what makes them so funny to look back on.”
In another photo, Justin and I are lying across my mom’s couch together laughing about something. I don’t know who took the photo or what humorous thing we were sharing in that moment. I told Justin about the photo, to which he said, “I don’t even know if knew that photo existed.” When I showed it to him, after critiquing his clothing, he commented, “We used to be such a cute couple. What happened?” The answer, I believe, is adulthood and everything that normally entails along with recent disasters like COVID-19, BLM protests, a contested election, everything constantly on fire, everyone around us seeming to be in a “me, me, me” mindset, etc. thrown in for good measure (with no end in sight for any of it, really). We were cute, once upon a time, many moons ago. Now- we’re just chronically fatigued and feeling like underachievers on a regular basis.
The biggest thing that strikes me about my current age is that it is the age my mom was when my dad passed away. That is wild to me. When I lost my dad, I knew my mom was quite young to go through the loss of one’s spouse, but I never considered at the time what my own life could look like when I reached that age. My mom lost her husband and had four children left behind, ranging in age from 16 years old down to 6 years old. She has never had a full time job at that point in her life. Here I am, eight years into doing the only job I ever wanted to do, wondering if and how I can stick with it for another 30 years. Additionally, the mere thought of bringing any children into this crazy world gives me extreme anxiety on so many levels. Although Justin and I have been a couple for almost 15 years now and I love him more than anyone else out there, I still just feel like getting married is a lot of time, money and effort for a piece of paper. (Not that you have to make it any of those things, but I don’t feel like it’s a box I have to check at this point. I don’t feel that being married would actually change anything for us.) I can’t help but be struck by the stark differences between my mom at this age and myself now. I also hope that Justin isn’t planning on dropping dead on me anytime soon because then I’d just have to start collecting dogs, and I’m not sure that’s a great idea since Rookie and Magic keep me plenty busy for now.
I also can’t help but think that 2007 me was pretty naive. I had just graduated with my Bachelor’s degree. Justin and I were in the first year of our relationship. My middle sister had just graduated from high school, and my youngest sister was about to enter high school. My brother still had two years of middle school to go. Three of my grandparents were still alive with two of them right down the street from my mom’s house. I still lived at home with my mom, siblings, stepdad and his son. I didn’t have any real responsibility at that time. My plan was to keep working as a kennel kid/tech assistant and maybe try to pick up some more tech skills while applying to vet school for round #2. I made next to no money, but it didn’t matter because I had minimal bills or expenses. As long as the activities were cheap, I could have as much time as I wanted to spend time with friends. 2007 me had no idea about adult life or what the world had in store down the line. I can only hope that, at some point, I’ll find a way to feel like I’m more than just surviving again.
“You spend your whole life stuck in the labyrinth, thinking about how you’ll escape one day, and how awesome it will be, and imagining that future keeps you going, but you never do it. You just use the future to escape the present.” ~John Green from Looking for Alaska (which, side note, I recall as a good, young adult read, however many years it’s been since I read it)
